Birthdays

A friend asked me this morning, surprised why FB didn't notify him of my birthday..I dread my birthdays..to me as each year passes they signal another year gone..and what have I achieved? zilch..

I am forever searching..I do not know what..I do not know if it is a person..a thing? and every time my birthday comes around I get disappointed in myself for not achieving the whatever that I am suppose to achieve..

Some days I do wish that I was born on another day..on another month..because Christmas has turned my birthday into a deadline..everything has to be organised by then..presents to be bought..wrapped..party to be organised..groceries shopping..cooking..cards to be sent..haven't sent any the last two years..lol..by the time the day comes around I feel drained..void of energy to enjoy the day itself..

When I was younger I used to remember loving having a birthday around Christmas time..a party every year regardless..now that I am on the giving end I dread it..

Enough of the whinging..here I go again setting myself up for the downfall..12 months -1 day to search for the unfathomable.. 

 

Can't decide

I have two choices..either to remain his wife or be his friend..he doesn't want me to leave as he still loves me and still wants to care for me..he said I am the love of his life and he doesn't want anyone else..

The agreement is that our lives go on as normal..except for intimacies..ie no sex..

I have thought long and hard and still can't decide..the second option is the one I want to choose..that way I can roam freely without the guilt of cheating and still be able to look after him and the kids..

the first option is okie too as I think we still love each other enough to go on and grow old together..what I am worried about is me..I am scared to bits of being roped in..nowhere to move..I have stayed married to him all these years because I have lead a double life..now to go back to one life I don't know if I can do it..

you know they say if your want it bad enough you'd do anything? I don't know if I want it bad enough? that's the problem..

his last words to me..if you keep on gambling with your heart..one day you'll lose all that you love..

Sugar Daddy

Last night we had dinner..another fancy restaurant..right next to the ocean..beautiful scenery..the food was amazing..the wines perfect..he wined and dined me to the max..throughout he night he made me offers a girl can't refuse..choose a destination and he will take me away with him..business class of course not the cattle class..and enjoy life he'd said..

I was half drunk..I laughed and replied but you are surrounded by pretty girls..why me? and your wife is most beautiful..he made it known he only wanted me..

The thing that stayed with me til this morning was that does money bring happiness? and can it buy affection? love? ..

In his case it does..endless traveling..eating at top restaurants drinking expensive wines and spirits..

As for love? I don't know..I think he's looking for a companion..someone to spoil with dinners..wines..trips..shopping

I am still shocked that he's chosen me..as for me? nope..I'd never considered myself to be anyone's kept woman..though tempting as it is lol..

I wanted to pay for dinner..when the bill came he insisted..my 2 days pay..that's what it has amounted to..

He rang me later to make sure I was home safe..he then asked if when he's in the country again would he be able to take me to dinner again?

Ummm how does one decline? lol..

What a laugh

I haven't been writing of late..haven't been in the mood..and what is there to write when one's mind is all scrambled up...one's heart broken in pieces..for awhile we reverted back to friends..it didn't work..so silly me agreed to be his wife again...

Yes..24 years and we are still together..I often wonder why..why we are still together..considering everything that's bombarded our relationship..there's a saying in our language..a marriage is a life sentence in prison..

I think it is true..if two people cannot find happiness with each other then it turns into a life sentence..

My marriage is a laugh now..he lets me go to have coffees with other guys..as for me I have a year to decide what I want to do..leave for good or stay...I am still undecided..part of me want to leave for good for I don't think I love him anymore..part of me still want it to be a happy ending..what do I do?

Waiting

On our first date he was two hours late..that should have been a warning to me..one of my dad's friends said to me..ditch him..should never keep a girl waiting..

I guess I've always given people a chance..may be his car broke down..may be he got lost..since he lived on the other side of the city..there was no mobile phone in those days..and yes he did..he couldn't find the house..

He confided later on..his friend had said to him on the way to my place..don't climb too high..you'll get hurt..he even made a bet with hubby..that if we lasted longer than 3 months he was going to shout us a seafood dinner..

24 years later..over lunch I told him..I don't want to wait anymore..it's not the lateness that has been getting to me...it is the feeling of being second best..all through our marriage something was always important than me..and thus I was left waiting..

He promised me yesterday..that he would never be late again..for me or anyone..I replied..it might be too late..

Flirting

He'd said I #flirt subconsciously..my eyes would wander..my chin would tilt..my lips would pout..my boobs would pop out and my backside do a wiggle..an absolute turn on for any guy..what the? So we stood there in Westfield and every time I did it subconsciously he would point it out..there you go my backside did wiggle..well not really ..kind of shook because I belly laughed so my whole body shook..it wiggled because I can't keep still..he kept his body still standing there talking to me where as my legs refuses to stand still..they tend to wander and that made my backside wiggle..lol

Another Song..

Was feeling sad and sorry for myself..and then this came to me..another song about us..


I don't need a big house 

I don't want no fancy car
We can live in that godawful house
Or the back of the ute for all I care
I don't need no commitment 
I don't ever want to tie you down
We can go wandering till your heart's content 
Or we can just sit there and talk till morning comes
I don't want no one else I don't need no other
We can go on and on if you like 
In my heart I know I've been waiting for you for all of my life 
I don't want to go on without you
I don't need my heart to be whole 
We can ignore it ..
We can try to curb it this feeling inside
But what's the point? 
Told you already ..
I'd follow you to the end of the earth 
If you would only let me
If you would only let me

One Dead Duck

He told me on our first night together..don't fall in love with me..well guess what? I have fallen for him..and not just a little fall..a hard thump..hehehe

This morning we've met for the 5th time in only 3 weeks..3 meetings this week..just being near him is enough..to be able to see him..to smell him..to just cuddle him..I cried after we made love..cried because I am happy I have found him..sad because it will be another 5 weeks before I can see him again..

Going to keep busy the next few weeks so that I don't think about him..yes I think that is the way to go..

Mutual

I am going crazy..feels like a teenager..waiting for every text..I know he's busy..and pride won't let me text unless he's replied to my prior text..can't seem to get him out of my head..it drives me mad..if this is what love is I don't want it..I don't want to feel insecure..

We are to meet again this week sometimes..he's already hinted what will happen..he's going to take me to the next level..I think he felt it too..felt our bodies responding to each other..

We chatted the other day and he's said he will take me to a nude beach if I go nude..hehehe to which I'd replied sure why not..it's a date..he then replied it's lots of dates he hope..funny..

I don't want to lose him..yet I don't know if I am the person he's looking for..lol..

Buffet

Yes..it is indeed a buffet..a buffet of men..lol..blonde and brunette..long and shaved..slim and round..all sorts..you can taste them one by one if you like..and if you request there's a galore of private albums to browse..it's like a shopping mall for a one night stand..an affair..you can see their faces..and also their body..even the private bits..what's on offer..hehehe

The thing is..even with the buffet some looks edible and some don't..and then meeting for coffee they either click or they don't..coffees are fine..bed is another matter..ehhehe

So to date I have met a few..mostly for coffees..not traditional coffees..don't like sitting down to talk..I like to go for walks in the park..or shopping..it's nice to have someone to help you push the trolley..ehehhe have also been grocery shopping too..helps break the ice..

It's good for connections I guess..I now know a muso..a music teacher..a store man..a fork lift driver..a manager..a car dealer who have offered me a job with him..lol..wonders what the job description is?
a dessert chef..a builder..a truck driver..oh and the newest one an ATM installer...a data analyst..and whatever else..eheheh

Anyhow it's fun to chat..as long as they behave..:)

Happy..

Have been on a roll..3 songs in a space of 24 hours..have given them away to a new friend..he's fiddling with it to add music to them..funny how things fall into place..

Yesterday driving home from Ocean Grove I took the wrong turn..so ended up somewhere else..thus began my bubble adventure..turned to the iPhone for help..that was then that there was a message from an acquaintance on chat..he asked if I would like to have a coffee with him and so it all went from there..

a chance meeting..I was a slob..as was in my driving clothes..so had on a stained Tshirt..ate some oranges before that..and well wasn't looking..it dripped...had trackies on and a pair of thongs..no bras either..told him I cant really do coffee..so he suggested we just meet as he would love to meet me even if I was a slob..

what a sweetie..standing there with his guitar and a back pack..he looked cute in his beanie..and oh so cold..his face..his hands were frozen..apparently he's been standing in the cold for 20 minutes to wait for me..and me stuck in traffic..

so here is what I wrote..thought of it on the way home..and he's already roughly popped music to it..sounded not bad for a 5 minutes job..:)

Traffic traffic
Blame it on the traffic
15 minutes more..
You kissing me
Me kissing you
15 minutes more..

Chatting chatting
Blame it on the chatting
15 minutes more
You holding me
Me holding you
15 minutes more

Hello hello
Blame it on the hello
15 minutes more
You loving me
Me loving you
15 minutes more..

Loving..

It was nice to be loved by him..like one of those songs..he's a muso..and a muso he is..poor as a church mouse..and a gentle soul..guess all musos are gentle souls..

We met twice..once was a 15 minutes meeting..the second was a half a day and night..spent getting lost in the countryside and then holding each other to sleep..it was really nice..

That was Saturday morning when we departed..on Monday morning I got a message from him..he told me he's met someone..a girl his age..plays the guitar and has a vegetarian and gluten free diet..

Told him match made in heaven go for it..and don't worry about me..he then wrote a few lovely emails to make me feel special as having been dumped by him? hehehe anyhow he still hopes we can still be friends as he likes my songs and I need him to make them come alive..thus we still needed each other..

I do like him a lot...he makes everyone around him feels special..and to think a few years back we'd bumped into each other and didn't realise..as he told me he'd caught the bus and would get off the bus heading the opposite way to me..yet he never said hello..he said I was in a world of my own..and me? I never noticed anything or anyone..funny how years down the track we've met..guess we were suppose to meet after all..

and yes..I thank whoever is up there that arranged for us to meet..he soothes my soul with his songs..

Somehow

Once in awhile I let someone in..then I wonder how the hell they got in? I'd made sure..made sure my heart's fully armoured..

It was just like that..we met for coffee..only chatted to him a few times..nothing much registered I knew he lived about 160km from me..too far to ever meet..yet we did meet..

We met one Saturday morning in the city for coffee and doughnuts..I was running really late..he waited..we had about an hour and a half to get to know each other..then he walked me to the station to see me off..at the gates he gave me a kiss..a light kiss on my lips..on the way home I was thinking what the? why didn't he just peck me on the cheeks? it wasn't a proper kiss at all..teased him about it..he replied next time we meet I will give you a proper kiss..

Then we met again last night..he came for dinner..and we ended up in bed..and that must have been it..I'd let him in unknowingly..he said to me don't fall in love with me..I'd laugh then..saying don't worry.. after the last time my heart's fully armoured..

Woke up crying this morning..last night was the most beautiful night that ever was..I felt loved..and in returned I loved him..first time in years I'd wanted more..I'd wanted what I knew he couldn't give..

Sex Sex Sex

and here is my 4th attempt..he's done the music for it and it sounded great..might develop into something :)

Sex sex sex
I don't want sex
I want you babe
I want you yeh yeh yeh
I want to fill you up
I want to grind you down
I want to hold you
Until you whispers
No more babe no more

Sex sex sex
I don't want sex
I want you babe
I want you Yeh yeh yeh
I want to make you wet
I want to suck you dry
I want to make you scream babe
I want to see you smile

Sex sex sex
I don't want sex
I want you babe
I want you yeh yeh yeh
I want to lift you up
I want to hold you tight
I want to whisper stuff
To you in the night
Sex sex sex
I don't want sex
I want you
I want you babe
I want you

Getting Lost..

Have been on that road many a times..and was driving in the daylight too so how did I get lost? I took the turn before I was meant to and drove a fair way before I realised..then instead of backtracking I decided to go through Geelong..while fiddling with the bubble to get directions a text came..from one of the guys on chat..he has finished work and was wondering if I was around would I like to meet for a coffee? told him no as wasn't dressed for it.. had on a stained Tshirt..from the oranges I ate just before..braless and trackies and thongs..but I'll meet anyway for a quick hello..rendevouzing in the town hall's car park..

Since I was lost might as well..was running late and by the time I get back to Melbourne I would be a  sitting duck in traffic..what's 15 minutes here or there? what happened next was worse..took the wrong way out of the two options available which meant I was stuck in 40kph zones and cars everywhere..

Got there finally to find him guitar on his shoulder..a backpack as well in a beanie looking nice and snug..poor thing has been waiting in the cold for 20 minutes as I fought traffic to get there..he was as I expected..a muso..a gentle soul..

He gave me a kiss..I obliged..we sat in the car snuggling not talking much just enjoying each other's company..wanted to warm him up..he was so cold..15 minutes was all we had..what came after was lyrics to three songs..I've never written songs before and it just happened..have given them all to him to do as he liked..he's good with music..two is about us..and 1 about my marriage..I've heard the recording for the 15 minutes more one..a 5 minutes job..sounded very nice..so we will see..

my favourite song by him...
https://soundcloud.com/shanecgriffo/cup-of-tea-harrison-mixbus

He's sad and blue worrying I've gone to find greener pastures

Doesn't he know he's my everything ?

Doesn't he know I need time away?

Time away from this topsy turvy world of ours..

To just be me so I can come back and be his once more?

I'm sad and blue 

I'm sad and blue 

Tried to explained..tried to make him see

It's no good to bind me with ropes and vines

For I need to roam 

For I need to be me 

Tried to love him tried to make him see

It's no good suffocating me

For I need to breathe

For I need to be me

I'm sad and blue

I'm sad and blue

We must be crazy you said

You waiting in the cold 

Me trying to fight traffic to get to you

Found you baby oh so cold

Let me warm you up 

Let me make it right

Let me feel you one last time 

Let me soothe your loneliness 

Before I have to be on my  way again 

Far far away till next time

We must be crazy you said

We must be crazy you said

Two strangers..Two cities yes we must be crazy

Then Why does it feels so right ?

Why do I feel like I know you? 

Your face your thoughts haunt my days? 

Your smile your songs soothes me when I am down

We must be crazy you said 

We must be crazy you said

Stealing kisses and hugs like there's no tomorrow 

Stealing moments in time for me and you

We must be crazy you said

We must be crazy you said

Traffic traffic

Blame it on the traffic

15 minutes more..

You kissing me

Me kissing you

15 minutes more..

Chatting chatting

Blame it on the chatting

15 minutes more

You holding me

Me holding you

15 minutes more

Hello hello

Blame it on the hello

15 minutes more

You loving me

Me loving you

15 minutes more..

Unsettled..

..from what he shares he's very unsettled about me..he caught me chatting the other day..and I think it got to him..

I have always chatted...nothing new..I think what got to him is the names are all Caucasians..not a single Viet..

This morning while in bed he said to me..I better do my sexy wife before she goes out and find someone else..someone with a bigger dot dot dot dot..I think he's worried about me trying out bigger ones lol..not that his is small..he's decent for an Asian guy..fits nicely..

I was like.. I did see a 9 inch one..heheehe so his resolve is to jump me when he can..tired me out so to speak so I don't eat anywhere else..lol..

I am one dead duck..lol..

Dâm

Hôm qua anh bảo tôi là vợ anh dâm quá ..đi ra đường là cứ liếc qua liếc lại ..chẳng lẽ coi coi ai bự ai nhỏ sao ? ..

Tôi cười ..mấy ông liếc được thì mấy bà cũng liếc được chứ ? liếc thôi ..đâu có nhìn cái của quý đó đâu mà bảo người ta dâm ? ..anh..vậy thì chắc tưởng tượng rồi ..

Tôi chọc anh ..ừ ..tưởng tượng nó trắng nó đen ..nó bự nó tròn nó dai nó dẻo ..nó nằm trong em thì phải biết ..

Anh cứ lấy cớ vì tôi không những dâm còn hot nữa..không làm thịt chẳng lẽ để đó cho thằng khác làm ..gớm ..đúng là đàn ông.. thiệt tình ..làm như ra đường vợ ông là Victoria Secret model không bằng nên ai cũng muốn ? lol..

Intriguing..

I have gone back to chatting..old habit dies hard..not that there is any harm..I must admit I like to find out about people..and what makes them tick..

Thus begin my journey into the chat world..a bit different this time as it is an adult chat site ..

The site was originally a rating site that I discovered years ago for fun..lately it's been emailing me so I thought I would investigate..hmmmm interesting..

It is a meat market in there..what you do is have a look at the profiles you like and then you choose..the ones that you find engaging you ask for a chat..the person can accept or reject your request..simple? yes..not that I have ever requested a chat..most time it's the guys that request for it..

As for me half the time I don't reject because it feels bad..you know like you are already on there trying to find a partner and the rejections must be hard to take.. so I just let it stew..I don't reply either and hope they get the message..the profiles have symbols..the ones that's looking for love have little love hearts next to their names..lol.

The ones I find okie I accept..you know okie sort..looks okie..profile not too bad..problem is after you accept and find that they are annoying then it is too late..ehhehe have yet to discover a button to ban them..lol..

Out of all the guys I have chatted only one seemed intriguing..he's older..quieter? one of the more respectful ones that I can count on my fingers..2-3?..

the rest all I get is hello how are you..which positions do you like? ummm that's exaggerating a little bit but they all head down the same way..pretty disappointing considering I have put down on my profile that I am taken..not looking..lol..

Anyhow, let see where this will lead..a very big challenge to find chatters that can chat about normal every day events and not just xxxx..what did I expect..after all it is a meat market site..with hungry males wanting to eat..lol..

Bogged down

Feeling a bit bogged down today..one of those days that I have got heaps to do and not enough time to do it in..lol..

Turned up to work around 630am this morning to try to catch up thinking I'd finish by 9am ..nope..came home to have my second breakfast..blogging..will have a shower now and head back down to work..as have to dress properly since the shop is opened for business..another 1.5 to 2 hours to go?

Was hoping to finish early to go for a walk..walks tend to cheer me up.. and if I am right I won't make it out of work till lunch which means stuff the walk as it's raining..it usually takes me an hour to do the circuit x2 and around the block..still errands to run..and of all days I have to be back home by 330pm to do school pick up..lol..by the time I factor in the groceries..got 3 double digits kids..they are eating us out of our house..the cooking..washing..there goes my day..

That's how my days have gone lately..can't get anything done except the necessities..washing..groceries..cooking..and helping out at the business..

Since I came home from Geelong it feels like..him..the kids..the business...the house have swallowed me up..Miss V is no more other than a wife..mum..partner..housekeeper..I have ceased to exist..sad really..I don't recognise myself some day..just go through the motion of the day..slowly becoming invisible yet once again..lol.

Us..

Full of emotion today..my heart sang with joy this morning when I went into my email to find a reply to one of my poems..he's replied..who is he? he is a friend I met on chat..in one of the music rooms I frequented..he's a dear friend..

a while back he asked me would it make me sad if he ever married? I said yes..I want him to get married so someone can look after him for me ..but I would be sad...he replied then I don't think I want to get married ..because I don't want to make you sad..


I wondered why he closed his Multiply account..he never said..I tried to contact him with Skype and I'd left messages..still no contact until yesterday when he requested to be my friend on my opera. 

Tìm đâu một góc bên anh
Cho tôi gửi gấm một thân với hồn..

his reply..

Gửi rồi có lấy lại không ?
Nếu có lấy lại, trả gì cho em ?

Trả em một tấm thân tàn,

Hay trả nụ cười để giữ hồn em ???

my reply..
Tiếc chi một tấm thân tàn ?
Giữ chi một hồn cho chàng đã trao ? 

the poem meant..Searching for a place next to you to place my body and soul for safekeeping..

his reply..If you are to take it back I would return to you a weathered body or a smile in exchange for your soul? 

my reply..why should I regret a body that's old and frail?..why are you keeping my soul? when it has been freely given?

Going to dream sweet dreams tonight..for I have my old friend back with me..he always manages to cheer me up..

The Right Moment

Now that I am not working anymore..every time I want to buy something I can't buy like before..as for hubby he's always whinging about how much I spend..and how we don't have any money..lol..

Thus yesterday I took the opportunity to sneak out while he took his mum shopping to buy beds for our holiday house..not expensive ones..I chose good quality ones that was at a reasonable price..

Then last night I thought I'd come clean with him..baby I've bought the beds..he pulled his face to show me his disapproval..for he's told me time and time again that I couldn't buy them as they were expensive and that his brother and sisters have offered to put money together to buy them for us...

Anyhow I started reasoning with him before he could say anything else..first of all they costs a lot which I don't think it is right of us to expect your family to pay for them..second of all I'd bought them at a massive discount..and beds are personal..I want to sleep on nice beds..then I let out the secret..I'd been into the bank that morning and while making small talk with our teller I'd found out he's been in earlier during the day..she'd told me don't worry he's spending as well..as he's been in..hmmm thought he might like to know that I know he's been withdrawing money so it's not me that's spending..lol..

I knew he couldn't say anything for he'd spent the day with his mum instead of us..me and the kids..so in a way he was in a good mood..I'd also know the money he withdrew was for his mum..I haven't asked how much..so he'd be in a guilty mood..hence I knew he wouldn't get mad at me..for the last time I'd bought a big item he went on and on and on..worse than a nagging wife..lol..

Making Up..

This morning in bed...Mr H..I chose you because you are the sweetest ..the cutest..and the most CHALLENGING..you're like one of those prickly fruit that once you get through the prickly bits you get to eat the sweetest fruit around..don't know why I fell for him..may be this is why..he's one hell of a smooth talker..so we made up once again lol

And after reminding him.. he got me flowers..before that he asked me..why should I get you flowers? because it makes me feel special? after all it was our 19th anniversary..

Friends

Like usual I texted K a week ago suggesting a get together and asking her what would she like for her birthday. I have known K ever since year 8..many years ago..1985??

For years now we have get togethers when one of us have our birthday..the others would buy a small pressie each..and arrange for lunch..and a cake..then the kids came along and it just got too hard so we end up having lunch at each other's house..since all of my kids are older it was just easier for me to drive to K's place..

Was thinking jeez K was taking awhile to let me know what she would like for her birthday..usually she's quite prompt..after all she's a doctor and thus very organised..that was plan A..my plan B would be just to buy her a scarf..or an accessory that she can wear out..

This afternoon I received a text from K..V..if you haven't gotten me anything could you please get me some undies? something that's pretty but practical ? She made me laugh with her request..so I texted back..pretty doesn't go with practical? but I'll hunt around..then another beep..another text..she's replied..pretty that I can wear daily..not just in the bedroom..ummmm

I nearly fell off my chair from laughing so hard..she's caught me off guard..I thought undies are personal? may be she's comfortable with me since we've been friends for so long to make that request ? or may be I have good taste? hehehe

Problem is I am like her..I don't have any pretty undies that's practical..I have no nonsense boring Bonds undies that I wear daily..I love them as they are cotton and are very comfortable..then I have the sexy G strings that I wear in the bedroom when I am in the mood..lol..not that I wear them that often..I only wear them so hubby can have fun taking them off me..

Anyhow..guess will have to spend one day in Westfield to shop around for her..might take hubby's advice..his solution..buy her a pair of edible undies..pretty and practical..men..

The Scent

He came to meet me at the airport..my first impression of him was..jeez how slack..he had shorts on..a singlet..a sport jacket and sandals..I don't think he's ever dressed like this before..unless my memory is wrong..then he told me he has been sick all week..that might explain it..

I took a look at him..he's very tanned..skinny..and well not the Y I remembered..he's aged..the slim look didn't suit him..I prefer my men with a bit of meat on them..

when we finally checked in he asked me if he could come up to my room..sure I said..what happened happened..like usual we made love..I cuddled him yet my arms felt half empty..I tried to smell him yet his scent wasn't there..the scent that drove me nuts years ago..the scent that I was addicted to..it was gone..

I felt sad after he was gone..sad that I was wrong..the obsession the craziness the jealousy I felt years ago was not there anymore..I do care for him like he for me..but that's all it is..we are friends..with benefits..but other than that there's no "love" no magic..no feelings..

I knew when we made love I made love to him like I did the other times..but that feeling of wanting to touch him..wanting to be near him has dissipated..why? I don't know..I don't know how it disappeared..is it because when we know someone so well we get disappointed in them? is it because romantic love doesn't last?

I do not know the answer to that question for I fall in love too easy..and then fall out of love as easy as when I fell in..I do not trust my heart anymore..for it is as fickle as they come..

In the end..may be I did make the right choice..my guy still makes me laugh after 23 years..things happen for a reason..and lately they all point to him..that he is the man worthy of my love..

Full circle

I was looking forward to some time away..as usual I booked an interstate seminar as an excuse to get away..after a day I was sick of it..had to admit first time I missed him and the kids..funny how I would never think there would be a day when I would feel like this..may be I don't really need time out anymore..
I also met up with Y ..he was kind enough to meet me at the airport..he took a lot of trouble to get there which tells me he cares..12 years later we still talk..somehow he wasn't so dashing like 12 years ago..we didn't have much in common..just talked about our lives..today confirmed again yes we are better as friends..
All in all it has turned a full circle..I am back with H for good..better go give him a ring..:)

It all started

with the trip..he wanted to go to Hong Kong and South Korea this September..and since we've been to Japan I have been worried it will be the same..travelling on trains..buses with 3 kids and heavy luggages..so yesterday after lunch I sneaked out to go window shopping..came back with 3 luggages..

I knew he'd be upset because I spent his money..I always think of it as his money and not mine..the business is ours but he works there..he's built it up..

We were walking tonight and he asked me.. you spent 2.7K? for the luggages? He must have looked at the retail price..we have half a dozen under the house why buy more?

these are better..they have 4 wheels..and they are lighter..we can pack more stuff in..as if I went out and spent 2.7K ..only bought them for a little over half the price..they are good quality..they will last us trips after trips..getting sick of the old luggages..lugging them around was hard work as they only had 2 tiny wheels and they were the heavy hard case ones..

anyhow so listened to him whinged about how I cost him too much money..feels like it's my fault..it's not like I spent it on myself..jewellery..make up..hand bags..clothes..not into those things..I spent for the family..and it's not like I am sitting around doing nothing..I am helping out at the business..if he had to pay me for my hours it would be heaps..

that's why I hate staying at home..and most of all I hate spending his money..why do I have to justify what I have bought? :(

Lucky

I was talking to a friend the other day..after hearing me whinge about how bored I am she said be happy with what you've got..you've got more than a lot of others..then she confided in me about one of her friends..her husband left his well earning job to pursue another career..not doing very well thus he's hardly earning anything which meant she's stuck in a high pressure job..scared to resign as they can't make ends meet on one income..and not only that they've got young ones..

Reality check..yes I am indeed lucky..counting my blessings..the biggest of all is if I need extra sleep I can always sleep in..no need to go into work if I don't want to..the kids are getting older each day..more  independent..money wise hubby earns enough..which means if I am bored I can go shopping..not that it excites me..I only shop on a need to need basis..

BUT.. BUT.. BUT..how to get rid of this boredom ? I want something that would stimulate me..stimulate my brains..some days I feel like I am losing it..losing my mind..I haven't felt excited about anything of late..everything feels like a chore..what happened to the V8 ? at the moment I feel like a 4 cylinder..or even a push bike..sluggish..no oomph..

Men..

I am still fuming..it all started last year..our daughter is doing VCE this year..her year 11 and 12..so last year when she had to choose subjects I actually had to sit down with her to choose..her dad won't have anything to do with it citing it is too hard for him..

All I said to her was the core subjects need to be Maths, English and Chemistry and the other 2 can be anything she wants..

She wanted Studio Arts..in the end I talked her into doing visual arts as it is also a portfolio subjects with more flexibility for her to choose where she wanted to go after high school..

All was settled..she chose food technology or cooking as her 6th..then the beginning of this year she changed her mind..I thought she has chosen Studio Arts..no..she went and chose Physics..and of course now it is too hard..

I tried to make an appointment with her teacher yesterday..nope..no luck so I got her to go to the office to make it...she came out rang me..I can't swap till May..told her a few times to go make the appointment..as I wanted to talk to her teacher to see what is going on..she saw no point in making the appointment..I had to practically nearly scream at her ..I don't care I need to talk to your teacher so go do it..

Then came home asked her which subjects she wanted to swap..and need to make up her mind which one she wants to do..and tell me before she leaves for school..this morning mum I want to do Studio Arts..

Went to see her teacher..running late..I left very early..no car park..drove around 3-4 rounds in the end parked very far away and walked in..got into the office on time only to answer a call from her teacher..told her I was at the school please come and grab me..

Told her teacher what has happened..she showed me the slip..it turned out hubby signed for it..to let her change to Physics..I could wring both of their necks..in the end she could only swap Physics for Biology, Psychology or Classical History..oh well serves her right for mucking about..as Studio Arts is all full..

I rang hubby to tell him what's happening..his reply..I can't see any problem with swapping..men..doesn't he realise by swapping she's got to catch up on a month's worth of work for both subjects? ..

I am still fuming..there goes no more TV no more laptops..no more iPhone for her..from now on she has better head down bum up and study..I have had enough of this fiasco..can still feel my BP rising..argggggggg

Sydney

Every year I would choose a seminar in Sydney to have a mini break..a mini break from family life more than anything..this year is no different.

I have made arrangements to meet up with Y..we have lost contact for a few years now as I don't frequent the music chat rooms where I know him from..looking forward to see him again..

He's someone I have been seeing on and off for more than a decade now..at this stage of our lives we are more friends than lovers..to put it precisely friends with benefits..

We tend to meet each other here and there when I go up to Sydney or when he comes down to Melbourne..there might be a few years in between and thus when we see each other we automatically pick up from where we last dropped off..

Funny thing is it's like one of those movies..where a girl meet a guy can't be together..and so they bump into each other here and there..catch up on each other's life..and then off they go again back to their normal life..that's what we are..we are like railway tracks that runs parallel to each other but can never be together..

Ex

Mấy tháng bận rộn ..thấy anh im ru tôi cũng im ru ..giờ người ta có một hạnh phúc mới thì mình cũng lịch sự chút ..

Hôm nọ ngạc nhiên thấy anh gửi sms ..anh viết ..khi nào rảnh gọi cho anh ..tôi gọi hỏi thăm ..anh bảo anh đang bệnh ..bệnh cũ phát lại ..đang uống steroid..anh khoe anh đang sửa nhà ..sửa cái garage để cho hai thằng con trai của L ở ..vì giờ rổ giá cặp lại thành tới 5 đứa con ..nhà thì có 3 phòng ngủ ..anh bảo anh và L một phòng, con gái L một phòng ..khi nào hai đứa con anh về thì chung phòng còn lại ..

Anh than dạo này L bệnh quá ..cứ ngủ hoài ..việc thì anh gánh hết vì giờ L không làm thì anh phải làm thôi ..mà sao L lên ký quá ..

Anh kể cho tôi nghe về B ..vợ cũ của anh ..anh bảo B giờ có job ..đi làm lại ..hôm nọ B gọi báo anh biết họ đã bỏ nhau 1 năm ..anh..thấm thoát nay đã một năm nhanh quá ..

Tôi cũng kể cho anh nghe ..chuyện gia đình con cái ..nhà nghỉ mát ..anh bảo khi nào đi xuống dọn dẹp nhà nghỉ mát thì ghé sở cũ bốc anh đi theo cho anh coi nhà ..

Nghĩ cũng vui cho anh ..một hạnh phúc mới ..nhưng với bao lo toan ..không biết anh có sẽ chán L không vì nghe anh kể thì sao L giờ hơi giống vợ cũ của anh ..ngồi đó chẳng làm gi` ..càng ngày càng mập ra ..

Tôi khuyên anh nên nghỉ ngơi chắc vì sress quá mà bệnh cũ phát lại..ngoài ra đi làm anh còn sửa nhà ..rồi nợ nần ngập đầu ngập cổ ..

Lâu rồi tôi không có ghé thăm sở cũ ..vì ghé thăm về buồn hơn ..cũng như G ..cũng cả năm không xuống ăn lunch với anh ..cứ hẹn mà chẳng xuống ..có lẽ vì tôi muốn anh quên tôi ..vui với người mới ..khi nào họ đã gắn bó tôi xuống cũng không muộn ..cũng như tôi không muốn xáo động vết thương ..

hồi đó quen nhau chơi với nhau làm bạn ..rồi làm người yêu ..tôi tưởng tôi đã mặc áo giáp cho con tim ..mà sao lúc chia tay vẫn đau ..đau hơn là tôi tưởng ..tôi thương anh ..nhưng không thương đủ để làm lại với anh ..anh cần một người để làm lại cuộc đời ..

Và giờ thì vẫn làm bạn của nhau ..anh bảo tôi là mỗi lần anh stress..rối đầu ..tôi là người đã gỡ rối cho anh ..nói chuyện với tôi xong là anh thấy khoẻ lại ..nhiều nghị lực hơn..

Crying

Have been crying a lot lately..just teary thinking about stuff..may be I am depress..I can tick off most of the symptoms..was sitting in the seminar thinking wow that sounds just like me..

The thing is I hate meds..in my profession I sell them..I advise people to take them but when it comes to taking meds I have the worse compliance of all..for one I don't want to be dependent on anything..for two I don't want them to mess up my brains..

Guess the messing up bit that worries me the most..I am who I am and I get by..and I never give up..that's me ..so if it is depression I am fighting I will fight it till the end..I will never give up..though lately it is getting to me..feels like I do not have the energy to fight it..crying all the time..I am careful though..don't want hubby or the kids to know..because if he knows about it he will send me to get meds..that's always been his opinion..get help..go on tablets..they are not so bad..lol..

Why should I go on meds? I was very happy in Geelong..laughing..giggling all the time..it was my job..I loved it..coming back here..all the stress lately must have derailed me..apart from divorce well nearly..I gave him the ultimatum in Geelong when he was going to go away with his bestie for a trip..and he didn't tell me until the very end..

then him being sick..I made the decision to come back..because of him being sick..then have had to deal with a new job..grief..renovation..moving..selling the house...teenagers..all of that would do your head in not just mine..

Anyhow..have made up my mind..going to fight it..and my weapons? a good sleep every night..going to have some routine in my life..no more thinking about me..about the bad bits..and of course my whole library of music..they always lift me up when I am down..

Damn it..wish I could just stop the tears...

I see trees of green...red roses too...I see them bloom for me and you..and I think to myself what a wonderful world..Louis Armstrong..

Valentine's Day

A day for lovers...as for me..just another day..didn't get around to buying a card till late..not much to choose from ..from the local florist..

Hubby forgot my flowers despite me hinting several times..may be I should have kept my mouth shut..lol..what's the point of hinting? he ended up sending our boy to go buy the flowers..got half a dozen of beautiful pink roses..their scent was just lovely..

As for romance? no romance..felt awful that he forgot..what did I expect ? fireworks? 

On the other hand I received a text from an unknown number..turned out to be an old friend..wished me a happy Valentine's ..deleted the message..shouldn't have as he went on to say I am such a complicated person that he doesn't know what I am..it was beautiful what he wrote..just can't remember to write it down..

Also received a private message in FB..from Aubergine..wishing me a short but sweet Happy Valentine's ..

Another in FB from a friend..how sweet

Then the other day went into my hotmail..found a Valentine's message from Y..the guy that I fell for years ago..he also wished me a Happy Valentine's..still kept his email from awhile back..

Take care em .. still love you for what you are, no nonsense ... a good and wild heart :)xox

In the end it was a day of love..received 3 messages from 3 former lovers..each still remembered me..funny how all my men turned into friends..couldn't keep them as lovers at all..for somehow or rather I just lose interest..I much rather them as friends..well friends with benefits more like it..lol..for friends always lasts longer than lovers..:) 

Europe

From very early on in our marriage I hinted that I would like to go to Europe one day..we didn't on our honeymoon for he was the only one working..I was fresh out of college..and we had bought a house a week just before we got married..thus we did not have the money..or the time..

Years went by..first the house..then the business..then the kids..there was never a time to go..

The other night on the way home in the car..as usual we caught up on each other's thoughts..I asked him where he wanted to go..as we are planning to go away in the school holidays..he told me to book Hong Kong and Korea..I jokingly said you know it's our 20th next year..do I get to see Europe for our 20th? that was then that he changed his tone of voice..why does it have to be our 20th? don't pin it on me..if you want to go then plan it..but you don't want to? I don't want to spend 2 days of flying to spend only a few days there..how am I suppose to plan it when we only ever go away for 2 weeks? and so it began..we ended up fighting..I ended up in tears..

All I could think of was no he doesn't want to go..and no..you will never get to see Europe unless you go by yourself..it wasn't the fact that I want to go to Europe that much..for you see I have equated taking me to Europe as a loving thing to do..you know when you love someone a lot..you try to find out  what they like and you do it for them as a surprise..well guess he doesn't love me that much..for he doesn't care that I have waited 20 years for it..

Went to bed crying..couldn't stop..it hurts that he doesn't love me enough to take me to Europe..didn't want to sleep next to him..so I inched my way all the way to the furthest side of my side of the bed..he didn't bother to console me..all he said was come over..we need to talk..as if I was going to roll over..he made me cried..

Woke up crying still..he wanted to talk again..and again I didn't want to..got up..gave him the silent treatment..he knew I was really upset..for I am usually yapping away all the time..

Later on he came to make a peace offering..we will go after the oldest finishes her VCE..Year 12..which is next year..so we won't be able to go till 2014..we will see..I am not holding my breath...
all he's been talking about lately is getting an investment house...saw him working on his letter..to apply or more nursing homes..all I could feel is dread in my tummy..more commitment..less Europe..zilch Europe is more like it..

An Easy Life

I do not think such a life exists..we are all given a life that is challenging..for some it might be a poor life..materialistically challenged..for others like me a life mentally tortured..lol..

Who ever is responsible for predetermining our lives is very fair..he or she gives one bit and takes the next away..

I would like to think that is the case..for it makes living much more bearable..

I know friends and family envy me for having an easy life...they don't know how wrong they are..they don't know how I struggle to get up every day..how I forget stuff so it takes me twice as long to do something..how I am such a dud that sometimes the kids do stuff for me..

so if I ever forget your birthday..or don't turn up it is never intentionally..it is just I plain
forgot..or if it feels like I am neglecting you I am not..for I haven't yet gotten around to you as yet because I might be in a heap..trying to get up..

and as for trying to get help..no I do not want any..I just want to be left alone to deal with it..I have lived with it for 40 something odd years I do know how to deal with it..the highs are not so high now..the lows are not so low..just a life of flat lines..for knowing how to cope with it means I have to force myself to be more disciplined..to not splurge on my spurts of energy..to conserve..but then the down side..a life less emotionally interesting...

The difficult bit is I do not want to accept this life..I know there is more to life..wish I had enough stimulation to bring the highs on again..and yes I am sick of flat liners..

if I had one wish it would be a high so high that it would be worth it to fall flat in a heap again..lol.

Acceptance

I came back after years away to give our marriage another go..he was always sick..he couldn't cope and it was unfair to rely on my parents all the time..everyone must deem me as a selfish person..may be I am ? came back thinking that things have changed enough for us to go on as man and wife and not just two people coexisting in the same house...

It's been near two years now..we are closer as a couple..more intimate..working towards the same goal..there are days when I think we have not gotten very far..personally I have gone backwards..my confidence seems to have dwindled as days goes by ..my days now consists of housework..groceries..cooking..helping him out with our business and that's it..

I have never been any good with housework..our home is always in the state of work in progress..and one can only cook for so long..I feel brain dead..have not even bother to apply for a job since my shifts ended at the hospital due to funding cuts..casuals are always the first to go ..

My friend said to me the other week..V..you need to find something to do..now that the kids are older..even the ladies on the committee I used to be on wished me the very best..they seem to think I can achieve anything I set my mind on..don't know why people have so much faith in me when I do not have any in myself?

The problem is what? what can I do? I am not trained to do anything else..and with our lives at the moment I don't really want to turn it upside down..the worse thing is I don't know if I can commit..nothing excites me anymore..my life feels like endless days of boredom..and when I am sick of staying at home I go shopping..others would see it as a luxury..why do I see it as a prison with four walls? why can't I accept it ? fear of losing my mind ? fear of being a dependent ?

Nằm Mơ

Tối qua nằm mơ thấy Aub ..mà sao tôi lại dọn nhà tới ở gần nhà của anh ..sáng thấy anh đi cạo râu ..trưa chị qua rủ tôi đi nhảy đầm ? tôi cười bảo là em không biết nhảy ..thế là anh chị và con rể dẫn tôi đi ăn trưa ..mà sao con gái họ không đi ...tôi hỏi thì anh bảo con gái đi nhà thờ ..ăn xong tôi gửi quà cho họ ..một chai rượu ..bánh trái và những thứ nho nhỏ từ Úc ..

đúng là mắc cười ..vì ở ngoài đời chẳng gì đúng hết ..chắc vì hôm qua chạy vô coi hình của Aub ..trong tôi vẫn còn hình bóng của anh ..lần cuối nói chuyện anh bảo anh hạnh phúc ..anh hỏi còn tôi ? tôi cũng trả lời như anh ..hạnh phúc ..

yêu nhau...được gặp nhau là vui rồi .. once in  a life time...

Thu Gọn

Người ngoài nhìn vô chắc ư họ nghĩ chúng tôi có tiền để đốt ..suy ra thì không ..nghèo nàn thì không nghèo nàn mà giàu có thì cũng chẳng giàu có ..nhìn lên thì không bằng ai ..nhìn xuống chẳng ai bằng mình ..tạm đủ sống dư dả chút chút để mỗi năm đi chơi một chuyến ngoại quốc hay nội quốc..chỉ vậy thôi ..

Mới đây chúng tôi bán được căn nhà cũ đem tiền đi trả nợ ngân hàng .. giờ đỡ nợ chúng tôi lại mượn tiếp mua xe mới và mua một căn nhà nhỏ nghỉ mát ..coi như lại y như cũ ..vẫn nợ nần ngập đầu ngập cổ ..

Thôi thì đằng nào cũng nợ ..nợ kiểu này còn có nhà đi nghỉ mát ..có xe mới mà lái ..xe mới với chúng tôi chứ thật ra nó là xe cũ ..ông xã tính toán mua xe luxury ..nhưng mua cũ mấy mươi đời cho nó rẻ ..ông bảo ngu gì mua mới ..xe càng đắt càng xuống giá như chơi ..mình mua xe cũ nhưng vẫn chạy ngon như thường 

Nhà ở giờ nhỏ bằng nửa nhà cũ ..cần gì ở nhà lớn ? mắc công dọn dẹp ..tiền điện tiền gas ..chúng tôi thu gọn lại ..đỡ đủ thứ ..đỡ luôn tiền xăng ..băng qua đường là tới trạm xe lửa ..đị bộ 10 phút thì tới trạm xe tram..còn ngay trước nhà đã có trạm xe bus ..muốn đi đâu thì đi ..còn không thì đi bộ ..

Lúc mới về đây thấy cũng hơi quẩn chân vì nhà mới là một căn apartment ..không vườn ..vả lại nhà 5 người ở nên hơi chung đụng ..ở riết rồi cũng quen ..không vườn khỏi mắc công cắt cỏ ..tưới cây thì chỉ còn có dăm ba cái chậu hoa ..quẩn chân thì đi ra công viên chơi ..

Thu gọn lại thấy khoẻ re..mấy nhóc đi đâu là chúng tự túc đi ..hôm qua chúng nó dẫn nhau đi city chơi ..anh ba còn hỏi tôi ..mummy có muốn đi theo tụi con ? ..ông xã đi làm thì xuống nhà là tới sở ..đi đưa thuốc cũng chỉ cuối đường thay vì hồi xưa 730pm mới về tới nhà ngồi chưa kịp ấm ghế là viện dưỡng lão đã gọi kêu đi đưa thuốc tiếp..tôi đi làm cũng chỉ băng qua đường là tới trạm xe lửa ..thay vì trước đây đi làm cũng phải mau mau canh giờ về vì đi xe tram mất 10 phút ..xong xe bus nửa tiếng rồi còn phải đi bộ 10 phút mới tới chỗ đậu xe ..xong chạy thêm 10-15 phút mới tới trường đón con ..giờ con nhỏ đi xe đạp vì trường gần nhà hơn..hai đứa lớn thì đi xe lửa đi học ..

Về đây sống rồi mới nghĩ ra ..tại sao hồi đó mình không dọn nhà sớm hơn cho nó khoẻ thân ? cũng chỉ vì thói quen ..càng già càng sợ sự thay đổi ..thu gọn lại đỡ stress và cũng đỡ mất tiền ..mất thì giờ