Crying

Have been crying a lot lately..just teary thinking about stuff..may be I am depress..I can tick off most of the symptoms..was sitting in the seminar thinking wow that sounds just like me..

The thing is I hate meds..in my profession I sell them..I advise people to take them but when it comes to taking meds I have the worse compliance of all..for one I don't want to be dependent on anything..for two I don't want them to mess up my brains..

Guess the messing up bit that worries me the most..I am who I am and I get by..and I never give up..that's me ..so if it is depression I am fighting I will fight it till the end..I will never give up..though lately it is getting to me..feels like I do not have the energy to fight it..crying all the time..I am careful though..don't want hubby or the kids to know..because if he knows about it he will send me to get meds..that's always been his opinion..get help..go on tablets..they are not so bad..lol..

Why should I go on meds? I was very happy in Geelong..laughing..giggling all the time..it was my job..I loved it..coming back here..all the stress lately must have derailed me..apart from divorce well nearly..I gave him the ultimatum in Geelong when he was going to go away with his bestie for a trip..and he didn't tell me until the very end..

then him being sick..I made the decision to come back..because of him being sick..then have had to deal with a new job..grief..renovation..moving..selling the house...teenagers..all of that would do your head in not just mine..

Anyhow..have made up my mind..going to fight it..and my weapons? a good sleep every night..going to have some routine in my life..no more thinking about me..about the bad bits..and of course my whole library of music..they always lift me up when I am down..

Damn it..wish I could just stop the tears...

I see trees of green...red roses too...I see them bloom for me and you..and I think to myself what a wonderful world..Louis Armstrong..

Valentine's Day

A day for lovers...as for me..just another day..didn't get around to buying a card till late..not much to choose from ..from the local florist..

Hubby forgot my flowers despite me hinting several times..may be I should have kept my mouth shut..lol..what's the point of hinting? he ended up sending our boy to go buy the flowers..got half a dozen of beautiful pink roses..their scent was just lovely..

As for romance? no romance..felt awful that he forgot..what did I expect ? fireworks? 

On the other hand I received a text from an unknown number..turned out to be an old friend..wished me a happy Valentine's ..deleted the message..shouldn't have as he went on to say I am such a complicated person that he doesn't know what I am..it was beautiful what he wrote..just can't remember to write it down..

Also received a private message in FB..from Aubergine..wishing me a short but sweet Happy Valentine's ..

Another in FB from a friend..how sweet

Then the other day went into my hotmail..found a Valentine's message from Y..the guy that I fell for years ago..he also wished me a Happy Valentine's..still kept his email from awhile back..

Take care em .. still love you for what you are, no nonsense ... a good and wild heart :)xox

In the end it was a day of love..received 3 messages from 3 former lovers..each still remembered me..funny how all my men turned into friends..couldn't keep them as lovers at all..for somehow or rather I just lose interest..I much rather them as friends..well friends with benefits more like it..lol..for friends always lasts longer than lovers..:) 

Europe

From very early on in our marriage I hinted that I would like to go to Europe one day..we didn't on our honeymoon for he was the only one working..I was fresh out of college..and we had bought a house a week just before we got married..thus we did not have the money..or the time..

Years went by..first the house..then the business..then the kids..there was never a time to go..

The other night on the way home in the car..as usual we caught up on each other's thoughts..I asked him where he wanted to go..as we are planning to go away in the school holidays..he told me to book Hong Kong and Korea..I jokingly said you know it's our 20th next year..do I get to see Europe for our 20th? that was then that he changed his tone of voice..why does it have to be our 20th? don't pin it on me..if you want to go then plan it..but you don't want to? I don't want to spend 2 days of flying to spend only a few days there..how am I suppose to plan it when we only ever go away for 2 weeks? and so it began..we ended up fighting..I ended up in tears..

All I could think of was no he doesn't want to go..and no..you will never get to see Europe unless you go by yourself..it wasn't the fact that I want to go to Europe that much..for you see I have equated taking me to Europe as a loving thing to do..you know when you love someone a lot..you try to find out  what they like and you do it for them as a surprise..well guess he doesn't love me that much..for he doesn't care that I have waited 20 years for it..

Went to bed crying..couldn't stop..it hurts that he doesn't love me enough to take me to Europe..didn't want to sleep next to him..so I inched my way all the way to the furthest side of my side of the bed..he didn't bother to console me..all he said was come over..we need to talk..as if I was going to roll over..he made me cried..

Woke up crying still..he wanted to talk again..and again I didn't want to..got up..gave him the silent treatment..he knew I was really upset..for I am usually yapping away all the time..

Later on he came to make a peace offering..we will go after the oldest finishes her VCE..Year 12..which is next year..so we won't be able to go till 2014..we will see..I am not holding my breath...
all he's been talking about lately is getting an investment house...saw him working on his letter..to apply or more nursing homes..all I could feel is dread in my tummy..more commitment..less Europe..zilch Europe is more like it..

An Easy Life

I do not think such a life exists..we are all given a life that is challenging..for some it might be a poor life..materialistically challenged..for others like me a life mentally tortured..lol..

Who ever is responsible for predetermining our lives is very fair..he or she gives one bit and takes the next away..

I would like to think that is the case..for it makes living much more bearable..

I know friends and family envy me for having an easy life...they don't know how wrong they are..they don't know how I struggle to get up every day..how I forget stuff so it takes me twice as long to do something..how I am such a dud that sometimes the kids do stuff for me..

so if I ever forget your birthday..or don't turn up it is never intentionally..it is just I plain
forgot..or if it feels like I am neglecting you I am not..for I haven't yet gotten around to you as yet because I might be in a heap..trying to get up..

and as for trying to get help..no I do not want any..I just want to be left alone to deal with it..I have lived with it for 40 something odd years I do know how to deal with it..the highs are not so high now..the lows are not so low..just a life of flat lines..for knowing how to cope with it means I have to force myself to be more disciplined..to not splurge on my spurts of energy..to conserve..but then the down side..a life less emotionally interesting...

The difficult bit is I do not want to accept this life..I know there is more to life..wish I had enough stimulation to bring the highs on again..and yes I am sick of flat liners..

if I had one wish it would be a high so high that it would be worth it to fall flat in a heap again..lol.