Numb..

I heard the news this morning on my way to work..yet it didn't sink in as I didn't know the name..Got into work and well the name floated in conversations..to me it was just a name of an unknown person..

until I came home..googled the name..and then it hits me..he's one of my favourite actors around..why did I not remember his name ? I liked him because he was real..

He made millions laughed yet he could not make himself laugh..I can't begin to know what it is like..yet I've been there..in that dark place where I felt I had no allies...just enemies..where close family members suggested I go on meds..they must think that the drugs would magically fix the problem..all the Zoloft of this world cannot treat the stigma..why do we treat the symptoms and not the cause?

When they suggested it to me I got real upset..angry at them for not wanting to know what's going on with me..I felt betrayed by those closest to me..yes she's not doing too good let give her the quick fix..did they ever think of the side effects? or the reason?

8/10/14

cont.
I have never taken meds..I have always dealt with it my own way..long walks..surrounds myself with happy people..laughter..music..

I know it comes and go..I can sort of know when I start to slip..the tears would start rolling..the hopelessness of it all..today is one of those days..I am starting to slip..the world grey and murky..my bed is comforting..I don't want to get up..I have not much energy to face this crazy world..

How can you understand ? when you have never felt it?  

With The Lot

Suppose to be working on my assignment..ended up in a chat site..one thing for sure it's mind blowing..

I find it fascinating, funny and well surreal..let see there's guys with nicks like wonkytonk..which brought to mind does that mean his equipment is wonky? then there's with the lot? sausage with the lot?

As I scrolled down the list it made me giggle..these guys are suppose to be selling themselves for sex and yet if that's their way of marketing they have failed miserably..

Mr Fit sounds all right if I had to pick one for a casual encounter..at least it means he'll last the distance..Massage Man? ummm no thanks I hate massages.. Omo is one I might consider..his clothes will smell nice like mine..

The thing is if you're taken wouldn't people recognise you for you? even with sunnies on? the nicks tend to crack me up more than anything else..King of Love? The Mexican complete with a pair of sunnies?

Life Block

My boss announced just recently that he's restructuring..which means bad news..He's already approached me to warn me that my position will turn into a part time position.

It's not like it's a bad thing, I'll get my sickies, holiday pay, yet I feel dread in my heart..for the mere fact that I have been working casually for the last year or so..and happy in that role..despite being casual the shifts were regular..it gave me the freedom to choose to accept my shifts or not..or to swap days..

Being part time means having to apply for leave..on rosters for weekends and on call..  colleagues have tried to settle me by saying you can always give your shifts away..etc.

Feels like I am being trapped, it's not the money as my pay will be less as a part timer..it's just that dreaded feeling of being trapped, no where to run. 

I remembered I applied for the job wanting part time so that my shifts are regular..and when I was offered the casual position I was worried that I might not get shifts..when the shifts came regularly I was happy..I had it both ways..flexibility..good pay..which suited me..

Then why am I like this? I know the last few days I have been searching for ways out..trying to find ways of running away yet again..it's me now..when I feel trap I feel like running..the trick to keep me is not to let me feel trap..lol..easier said than done..