Acceptance

I came back after years away to give our marriage another go..he was always sick..he couldn't cope and it was unfair to rely on my parents all the time..everyone must deem me as a selfish person..may be I am ? came back thinking that things have changed enough for us to go on as man and wife and not just two people coexisting in the same house...

It's been near two years now..we are closer as a couple..more intimate..working towards the same goal..there are days when I think we have not gotten very far..personally I have gone backwards..my confidence seems to have dwindled as days goes by ..my days now consists of housework..groceries..cooking..helping him out with our business and that's it..

I have never been any good with housework..our home is always in the state of work in progress..and one can only cook for so long..I feel brain dead..have not even bother to apply for a job since my shifts ended at the hospital due to funding cuts..casuals are always the first to go ..

My friend said to me the other week..V..you need to find something to do..now that the kids are older..even the ladies on the committee I used to be on wished me the very best..they seem to think I can achieve anything I set my mind on..don't know why people have so much faith in me when I do not have any in myself?

The problem is what? what can I do? I am not trained to do anything else..and with our lives at the moment I don't really want to turn it upside down..the worse thing is I don't know if I can commit..nothing excites me anymore..my life feels like endless days of boredom..and when I am sick of staying at home I go shopping..others would see it as a luxury..why do I see it as a prison with four walls? why can't I accept it ? fear of losing my mind ? fear of being a dependent ?