Me and Him

I did not know how to make him understand..that it is not emotional..that it is purely physical..until one night..

I watched him as I'm sure he'd watched me..afterwards I sensed there was something different between us..instead of tearing us apart it has brought us closer..I sensed he understood at last..

I had gambled on our relationship and I'd won for now..

Our marriage started out traditional..it has twisted and turned..and now it is what it is..it's a marriage..not in the traditional sense..but it works..so why not? we still fight like any old married couple..that's probably as close as it gets..

Loving Someone (cont.)

Losing J I'd thought I would never get myself back together again..and yet I did..

J captured my heart wholely in one move..he's put me first..and that moved me..shook me to the core..I had already fallen for him the first time we met without even knowing it..subsequent meetings made it much harder..I was a goner ..

Here We Go Again

Yes.. same old same old..we have reverted to being friends. Not sure how long this phase will last. Last time it only lasted weeks. It was great as we talked more, grew closer, then we actually believed it would work so back we went as man and wife. I'd missed the intimacy and so did he.

And you guessed it..same old same old. I think we treated each other better as friends, the sexual tension is there and sex was definitely better. Being friends he doesn't assert his sexual needs on me and in turn I don't resent him and thus more happy to surrender.

But somehow that is lost when we are man and wife.

A Double Life

The other day I met up with one of my oldest friends..we've known each other since we were in Girl Guides? pre-teen? and yet now in our 40s we've only grown closer after seeing each other nude in the onsen..how funny is that? it's like all the years apart melted away..she moved overseas when I had my oldest..my oldest just turned 19..

She shared with me what she's kept for the last year..due to circumstance she had to keep it hidden from everyone..in doing so she confided how she had felt guilty about keeping it from us..her friends..
One thing lead to the other and all my secrets came tumbling out.. I was much worse than her..I've kept mine for decades..

She asked for my reason for hiding mine..I replied..for one you're Catholic..what has that got to do with it? I paused..no..that's not the main reason..I didn't want your image of me..of us ruined..She asked me why share now? I can't remember what I'd said..I remembered her eyes..the look she gave me..and it was time after all..

She..guess we were both living a double life..to think you guys are one of the most proper couples that I know..others read about it or watch it..you act it out..

All afternoon she was like and I thought my life was complicated..at least I made her felt better that her life is not that complicated..mine is a million times worse..all of my own doing of course..

I kind of wonder what she think of me now? I hope by the time we meet next.. it has all digested..for decades of secrets is a lot to take in..but then decades of friendship outweighs them any day..

Andy

I only know him as Andy with no last name. Andy looks like Zeus I teased him..He is tall as he is big built. His hair curls crazily and is soft and full of hair products he laughed. 

He's my favourite for in him I see gentleness and kindness..a quiet shy demeanour..once in awhile when he lets on I catch the sadness in him..today we met again..and yes it is Andy.. Just the way I'd remembered..I do not know why he draws me to him..may be because he reminded me of someone..

I do not know much about him but what I do know it is enough..no point prying where it is not wanted.

It will be awhile before we meet again..all I have is what has been etched in my mind ..the contour of his face with my hands to remind me of him until then..

It scares me that I like him a bit too much..I thought I had it under control..my emotions in order..

Angels

I believe in angels.. #angels are the people who comes when we are in need and then they disappear as quickly as they appear..
Last night it occurred to me that I might be an angel for a someone at the moment because why did I contact him? chatted to him? when I do not know him? and by sheer coincidence we graduated the same year from the same course..
Funny how it all spanned out..I didn't think anything of it until I heard what he was going through and how worried he was..I've been there and he's going there at the moment..hopefully I've given him some peace of mind..

Just like the time I chatted to another..it turned out his ex-girlfriend was my classmate and he's lost contact with her all these years..desperately trying to find her to right the wrong years ago..just to find it after I contacted my other classmates and googled her marriage name for him..

Angels do exists even if we don't think they do..I know they do..they lift you up when you're down..they answer your queries when you are confused then when their job is done they leave..

Order

The other day I felt happy. The reason being that after all these years things are starting to fall into place.

I have a job, part time but it is enough to keep my brains active and me from being bored. As when I am bored I do crazy stuff.

Yes and for once I am not bored, I have my cards and renovation projects to keep me going.

Our business is doing well. I only have to pop in here and there to give him a hand. Both of us are only working part-time.

The kids are growing up, they have turned out to be okie kids..and are pretty much independent.

My parents are doing well also though dad needs his knees done, they are still independent.

My marriage is going strong, though not a traditional marriage it is still a marriage and gives me hope about the future. We are close, not only sexually but he seems to read me like a book. I am still not sure if we are on the same wavelength but for now it would do.

We have invested for the kids to give them a helping hand when they are ready to take on a mortgage.

Yes in all I think we are #ontrack . I still don't know what I am doing but it seems like we are doing okie..all the muddling around worked.

In the end we still got there..a bit slower than others but got there nonetheless..

Goals

I recently befriended a successful person..and for once I was truly curious. I wanted to know what made them tick? so that I can apply it to my life.

For you see I have lived the last 44 years with no goals. I went through life all muddled up, felt like I was walking through a thick fog most time. With this came frustrations and no direction. I do not know why I never thought of setting goals for myself?

The concept of goals seems simple enough. First one looks at what is important in one's life.
The goals then becomes the focus. After that it is just a case of working out the steps to achieving that goal and tick the list as one go along until it is all done and the goal is reached.

I am to spend 10 minutes each day to think about my goals, if I am any closer to them. I started yesterday quickly jotting them down . Today will be writing lists and working out how to get to where I want to be.