Numb..

I heard the news this morning on my way to work..yet it didn't sink in as I didn't know the name..Got into work and well the name floated in conversations..to me it was just a name of an unknown person..

until I came home..googled the name..and then it hits me..he's one of my favourite actors around..why did I not remember his name ? I liked him because he was real..

He made millions laughed yet he could not make himself laugh..I can't begin to know what it is like..yet I've been there..in that dark place where I felt I had no allies...just enemies..where close family members suggested I go on meds..they must think that the drugs would magically fix the problem..all the Zoloft of this world cannot treat the stigma..why do we treat the symptoms and not the cause?

When they suggested it to me I got real upset..angry at them for not wanting to know what's going on with me..I felt betrayed by those closest to me..yes she's not doing too good let give her the quick fix..did they ever think of the side effects? or the reason?

8/10/14

cont.
I have never taken meds..I have always dealt with it my own way..long walks..surrounds myself with happy people..laughter..music..

I know it comes and go..I can sort of know when I start to slip..the tears would start rolling..the hopelessness of it all..today is one of those days..I am starting to slip..the world grey and murky..my bed is comforting..I don't want to get up..I have not much energy to face this crazy world..

How can you understand ? when you have never felt it?  

With The Lot

Suppose to be working on my assignment..ended up in a chat site..one thing for sure it's mind blowing..

I find it fascinating, funny and well surreal..let see there's guys with nicks like wonkytonk..which brought to mind does that mean his equipment is wonky? then there's with the lot? sausage with the lot?

As I scrolled down the list it made me giggle..these guys are suppose to be selling themselves for sex and yet if that's their way of marketing they have failed miserably..

Mr Fit sounds all right if I had to pick one for a casual encounter..at least it means he'll last the distance..Massage Man? ummm no thanks I hate massages.. Omo is one I might consider..his clothes will smell nice like mine..

The thing is if you're taken wouldn't people recognise you for you? even with sunnies on? the nicks tend to crack me up more than anything else..King of Love? The Mexican complete with a pair of sunnies?

Life Block

My boss announced just recently that he's restructuring..which means bad news..He's already approached me to warn me that my position will turn into a part time position.

It's not like it's a bad thing, I'll get my sickies, holiday pay, yet I feel dread in my heart..for the mere fact that I have been working casually for the last year or so..and happy in that role..despite being casual the shifts were regular..it gave me the freedom to choose to accept my shifts or not..or to swap days..

Being part time means having to apply for leave..on rosters for weekends and on call..  colleagues have tried to settle me by saying you can always give your shifts away..etc.

Feels like I am being trapped, it's not the money as my pay will be less as a part timer..it's just that dreaded feeling of being trapped, no where to run. 

I remembered I applied for the job wanting part time so that my shifts are regular..and when I was offered the casual position I was worried that I might not get shifts..when the shifts came regularly I was happy..I had it both ways..flexibility..good pay..which suited me..

Then why am I like this? I know the last few days I have been searching for ways out..trying to find ways of running away yet again..it's me now..when I feel trap I feel like running..the trick to keep me is not to let me feel trap..lol..easier said than done..

Loving someone

Have been thinking and thinking..when you love someone..it means #loving them with all of your heart..their good and their bad points..
If that is the case have I loved? hubby aside every few years I would fall in love..the first major fall was for Y..it took me 10 years? to get over him..he was it..softly spoken..beautiful scent and he sang..in the end we both agreed we were better as friends..I met him again a few years back..and after he left I'd thought to myself..why him? we had nothing much in common except for our music..

Then there was D..16-17 years older..I thought he was it again..I only knew him over the internet yet there was an instant bond..he was quiet..yet he knew..for the first time I knew we were on the same wavelength..I was over the moon..for once someone understood..it took me three years to finally meet him face to face..we had less than one day together as he lived half the world away..I'll always treasure it..yet if we had ended up together it would not have worked..I knew when I met him..he was quiet..his age? I would have been bored..like he has guessed even before we'd met..

After D was E..he was a great friend..on that note I'd better chase him up to say hello..he would Skype with me..serenaded me love songs to cheer me up when I was down..he asked me once would I be sad if he'd ever gotten married? I truthfully said yes..happy for him but sad too..he'd replied then he'd never get married..because he'd never want me sad..

And of course there was G..he was different..blue eyes..in hindsight I do not know if it was a good idea..his marriage broke up..I felt responsible..even though he broke it to pursue someone else..he said I  showed him what he was missing and he didn't want to be married and playing on the side anymore..

The last time I fell was with J..we clicked big time..I was scared because I have never felt that way with anyone before..I also knew chemistry always meant loving blindly..and the more it burnt..the faster it burns and one would be left with a charred heart lol..yet I pursued it..thinking what the heck for once do it..give it all..if it doesn't work out no regrets..and doing so I'd scared him away..I'd crossed the unspoken line..
...will write more when I have time..need my sleep..

Scent

Imagine living with someone who knows when you leave the house..when you're back..if you took the car or the train..and most of all he knows your scent like a drug dog..can tell when it's not your scent..can tell when you're lying..

For someone like me who treasure her freedom..it is hellish..especially now that he knows about my blog..I resent the fact that there's nothing that belongs to me anymore..

Even though I am an extrovert..part of me I want to keep for me..I don't want to share it with him..I don't want him to know everything..it's not secrets..it's just important for me that I have that space..I can't explain it..

It's like I can spend my whole day with colleagues..patients.. talking..laughing away and I am fine..but once my work day is over I want to be by myself..just absorbing in the surrounds..the humming of the fridge..just to hear myself think..just to be with me..I don't need no one else..I am contented with just my company.

Once I can do that then I am happy to go out and face the world and all of its craziness again..

I used to want him..wanted him to know me.. to understand who I am..now I don't..because it feels like after 24 years together he still doesn't know me..yes he may know my scent or when I am telling fibs..but he still doesn't know me..we will forever be on different wavelengths.

Hurting

On Friday night we had a long talk in bed..he said to me despite everything I still love you..don't know why but I am addicted to you ..then it all came tumbling out..he's been in here reading my blogs..

I'd never thought there will be a day that this would happen..I don't really restrict my blogs because of the mere fact that I am an extrovert..the other because he's a computer illiterate..plus he's not the prying type..

I'd forgotten that he loves me and that he misses me when I am away working..thus he went on the net to look for me..usually he'd google my name and click on to my Facebook account to look at my profile photos which are posted as public..

On Tuesday night he did his usual googling and to think what started it all was me changing my profile photo to a sand sculpture..and of course he didn't realise it was me..couldn't get to my profile photos he clicked on the next best thing my blog..and the unravelling began..

He said to me what you wrote hurt..you must have been laughing behind my back all this time..I didn't know how to take the hurt away..the truth is I write to get it out of my system..sometimes I go back to read..it's never the same..feelings comes and go..and what might have felt like dire strait at that moment in time might have been written on a bad day..

I asked him why? even though posted publicly it was my diary..private..he replied if it was then why didn't you restrict it?

I am so sorry baby..I am sorry for not being the girl you married..the wife you'd hope for..I am sorry too..I know I am not the husband you wanted..

The thing is he is the best husband there is..looking around comparing others to him he's a really nice guy..generous..loving..always there..dependable..then why can't I feel it? why can't I make it work? why can't I love him like he loves me? is it because I've changed? what I felt before now I can't feel anymore ?..my feelings for him was strong once..I used to love him..obsessed about him..then I decided to protect my heart ..I was going to keep him at arm's length..and that's what I did..I didn't want jealousy to eat away at me..

still remembered an entry in my old diary..I think that day he went to play badminton..yet he didn't want to drive an extra half an hour to come and see me..for you see he lived in Deer Park then and my parents in Noble Park..badminton was at the MSAC..the entry was along the line of one of these days you'll wish I was around and I won't be..

Some days I wish I could turn back time..turn back to the time we were happy together..but then our relationship was doomed from the very start..too many potholes..going back I'd doubt it would have turned out any different..we were both young..foolish..way too much pride..

Life...love

I haven't written for a very long time..guess has been too busy living life..plus no inspiration to write..Four months has passed and I am still at square one.

We celebrated our 20th anniversary just recently..I thought we had a chance as man and wife..I thought I could do it..be a good wife to him..no more double life..it didn't work..how can one erase all that has happened? how can one morph back to what one was before? how can one get rid of one's bad habits? It has not been easy..and I can see that one of these days I am going to lose it all..yet I cannot stop..

I often wonder why he stayed with me despite knowing all my secrets? Did he love me? or was he just obsessed with me ? I don't know what's worse the fear of being alone? or the knowledge of being in a relationship that's not true..

The Vietnamese have a belief..a marriage is duyên nợ ..fate and debt..you need fate to meet..and the debt has to be repaid before one is free to leave the marriage..that's how we Viet account for divorces or for physical abuse within the marriage..the victim has to endure until their debt from the last life has been repaid..and no matter what the marriage still stands..until one day it breaks..

I am superstitious that we were meant for each other..tagged from the last life..when my pharmacy board registration arrived I was shock to find it was made up of 5 numbers..the exact 5 numbers that made up his..in the same numerical order too..the only difference between his and mine were the two middle numbers switched around..mirror image of each other..

Today I feel quite sad..sad for me sad for him..sad for what could have been..sad for what will be..
I am too weak to leave..and he's too weak to let me go..