I haven't written for a very long time..guess has been too busy living life..plus no inspiration to write..Four months has passed and I am still at square one.
We celebrated our 20th anniversary just recently..I thought we had a chance as man and wife..I thought I could do it..be a good wife to him..no more double life..it didn't work..how can one erase all that has happened? how can one morph back to what one was before? how can one get rid of one's bad habits? It has not been easy..and I can see that one of these days I am going to lose it all..yet I cannot stop..
I often wonder why he stayed with me despite knowing all my secrets? Did he love me? or was he just obsessed with me ? I don't know what's worse the fear of being alone? or the knowledge of being in a relationship that's not true..
The Vietnamese have a belief..a marriage is duyên nợ ..fate and debt..you need fate to meet..and the debt has to be repaid before one is free to leave the marriage..that's how we Viet account for divorces or for physical abuse within the marriage..the victim has to endure until their debt from the last life has been repaid..and no matter what the marriage still stands..until one day it breaks..
I am superstitious that we were meant for each other..tagged from the last life..when my pharmacy board registration arrived I was shock to find it was made up of 5 numbers..the exact 5 numbers that made up his..in the same numerical order too..the only difference between his and mine were the two middle numbers switched around..mirror image of each other..
Today I feel quite sad..sad for me sad for him..sad for what could have been..sad for what will be..
I am too weak to leave..and he's too weak to let me go..
